Soft, soft rain. Welcome to the new day, 24 hours of love and kindess, 24 hours that I will spend embracing what is around me - despite the pain it brings me. Only bceause I believe my surroundings to be frozen in time. When in reality I won't have this forever.

How can I feel both incredibly productive and unbelievably useless at the same time?

I've met the standards of finding a full time internship coupled with a part-time job - yet I still have this pit in my stomach that I'm not doing enough with my life.
I've gone to delete the majority of my social media, at least the ones where my close friends are, so I can stay focused on my own wellbeing rather than flog myself for not being like them - driven, fit, courageous, brilliant, people who actually have the guts to work towards their goals. I used to be this powerhouse of a mind but now I don't know who I see in the mirror anymore. What is this?

My everything is sluggish now I can't think straight my words fall apart constantly, the numbness from my current monotony is the only reason I get out of bed. The summer is quicksand and it's in my eyes, my vision is blurred and my head pounds. I can feel my body buckle and groan as I force myself to exert the smallest amount of energy.

I've begun to doubt my career choice more and more as the months go by. I hope to whatever beyond that these doubts, this miserable way of life would be overcome with a stronger me. One day in the future I want to be in a stronger body but that's the worst part. It's up to me to start it.

I suppose this could explain why I'm so quiet on this website. It's hard for me to engage in conversations online in general, but I do want to be active, as much as I can before the semester starts up again.

This is also part of me wanting to journal more again. I used to be good at keeping up with it but now my brain is tired most days.